Until

I wasn’t always good-
especially to you
mostly to me,

and you promised
but then you didn’t,
and you did
again

my mind-
it couldn’t take you here but I couldn’t
imagine you somewhere else
and not
with her.

You wouldn’t have loved me
if I was honest

and I couldn’t love me honest
because you, me, her
told me I wasn’t good enough,
that I wasn’t smart enough to keep up with you,
and that’s why you laughed when you tricked me

I didn’t believe you
the first, the second time
when you said you fucked someone else.

you laughed until it was the only sound
i could hear and

then I was pathetic
because you crawled into my head, you burned your name
behind my eyes

until it was only you that I was consumed
with.

you misplaced me, you said.

you said a lot of things,
conflicting things,
I couldn’t keep them straight.

I said
it was you,
it was only you,
it can only be you,
I forced you to be things that you were not,
I forced you to believe that you loved me
when you did not.

I was scared, afraid,
of what the worse side
of us looked like
but I didn’t realize that we were already worse
and I was worse and I did not realize it
until

it was June
until it was two years and you were sick of me,
I was sick of me,

but you said, you said,
you said,
you would be back at noon,
I watched the time push forward
without you-

you remembered
at 12:23
in the afternoon
that

I was the worst
part of you.

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