We Will All Dance

upside-down inside a vase filled with your
water, and when you speak, it will sound
like math, solve for x you will say
as if it has always been that easy, then we dance
and dance with your hair twirled around us
building us up like mummies without tombs,
let us out I will say and I will try to scream it too-
but it sounds like the bubbling of a tea kettle you
left on while you shower, mindless, always
mindless, but we keep dancing even with your hair
suffocating us now, the tea kettle screaming so quietly,
take a deep breath, you say, and we do, again again
until it is redness everywhere like a horizon squinting while
our lungs fill with red, your hair pivoting, bubbling
stops, screaming, fire out, turn off the shower, wet feet,
dripping, a match, slowly, easy, no, quickly- enough.
the redness everywhere with you squinting.

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Omission

The interior of the universe
looks something like you,
a reprise of all our comingtogethers,
or someone else’s clavicles of hope-
It is a trick, I mistake you
for a forest fire.

but I am a periscope
of your nuclear holocaust.

Until

I wasn’t always good-
especially to you
mostly to me,

and you promised
but then you didn’t,
and you did
again

my mind-
it couldn’t take you here but I couldn’t
imagine you somewhere else
and not
with her.

You wouldn’t have loved me
if I was honest

and I couldn’t love me honest
because you, me, her
told me I wasn’t good enough,
that I wasn’t smart enough to keep up with you,
and that’s why you laughed when you tricked me

I didn’t believe you
the first, the second time
when you said you fucked someone else.

you laughed until it was the only sound
i could hear and

then I was pathetic
because you crawled into my head, you burned your name
behind my eyes

until it was only you that I was consumed
with.

you misplaced me, you said.

you said a lot of things,
conflicting things,
I couldn’t keep them straight.

I said
it was you,
it was only you,
it can only be you,
I forced you to be things that you were not,
I forced you to believe that you loved me
when you did not.

I was scared, afraid,
of what the worse side
of us looked like
but I didn’t realize that we were already worse
and I was worse and I did not realize it
until

it was June
until it was two years and you were sick of me,
I was sick of me,

but you said, you said,
you said,
you would be back at noon,
I watched the time push forward
without you-

you remembered
at 12:23
in the afternoon
that

I was the worst
part of you.

I said ‘ok’

I.

My mother
came home,
sat on the couch,
and said to me
that you were
dying,
and I said
‘ok.’

II.

I hadn’t said
your name
in weeks,

not once
to myself

so I had
forgotten
the sting
of it
when I said
your name
aloud
this time,

and you must
have figured
I knew

because you
said to me,
‘does this mean
we’re cool?’

I thought
back to the years
I would spend
in my bedroom
alone.

where my mother
told me I was a liar,
and where you
laughed
and told me
that my mother
would never leave,

and I said
‘ok.’

Things Happen

The heat of the summer
got on my bad side,
I was one wrong
word away from
making some haphazard
attempt at ending it all.

And your friends are friends
until you start talking
like you might
drive your car into something.

2 years with him,
neither of us holding our tongues
anymore.
he was growing tired of me
and my off-color remarks
about his fucking around
with somebody else.

It wasn’t his fault
that I couldn’t keep my shit together
but he wasn’t making it
any easier on me either
when he said to me,
I can’t believe I wasted so much of my fucking life on you.

Well,
I spent a lot of my life
letting whoever say
whatever the fuck
they wanted to me,
because I was bad with
confrontation.
but he had kept
threatening to leave
everyday anyway,
so I figured
I would make it easy
on him,
he doesn’t
have to be the “bad guy,”
as he called it.

So I told him to fuck off,
and I guess he did.
I stopped answering his calls,
and not even 24 hours,
he stopped
calling
all together.

It must have been easy
for him
to forget my name,
because boys like him
can do a lot better than a kid like me,
just takes them a little while to realize it.

but for me,
I say a lot of things
I don’t mean,
then deal with the fallout later.
I just needed
to tell some guy to fuck off
to realize that I probably
couldn’t keep on
living my life
the way I was doing it,
in some fucking constant
state of disarray.

Hair

Tied my hair up,
and cut it all off
you said how
fucking dumb of an idea
it was
in the middle of January.

so I said
I’ll let it grow back,
and I did
Uneven,
Unkept.

We had said
that this time
It was different,
but I kept my sweaters on,
pulling them over my head
closing my eyes,
and going to bed alone.

Realized
You
And mostly me
weren’t any different
and I slammed my hands
against the white
plastic table,
Saying
I could’ve sworn
I was trying,
But your words
and the silence between them
dug into me
until I
stayed up until the sun
peaked
thinking how I wasn’t much
of myself anymore,
somebody or something
I thought you wanted.

You didn’t call me
for hours,
saying I ate up too much of your time
Or how my name tasted sour and hers was new and she was funny,
and you didn’t think that I was.

Then you would draw me back,
For a week
Or two
because you thought you loved me,
but thinking wasn’t easy
for me,
So I let you sleep
In my bed
wanting to forget
how cyclic
you and I
had became.

And my insides began to unravel,
realizing how much longer my hair had gotten,
and we hadn’t gotten anywhere
and you slept so easily
through the night
and it seemed nothing bothered you
much at all.